feeling a bit funky today. it is a combination of getting too much sleep, no exercise, the grey, grey weather and PMS. All these fun items combined together create a cranky, diffident me that doesn't really want to do much of anything but watch andromeda on channel 9. The messy me will pass though in a couple of days and i'll be back to running around not giving kevin sorbo another thought. (thank god.)

Gave myself my fourth round of allergy shots last night. Another week where i was able to stick needles into myself without going to into shock. every week, there lurks the poteintal that i could have a negative reaction to the medicine and stop breathing. I sit on my couch with two syringes filled with liquid that might kill me and my only savior is an epi-pen. A needle filled with adrenalin that will open up my lungs and give me ten minutes to call 911. fun stuff.

Aside from all the what-ifs, there is something surreal administering shots to yourself. I sit there getting the needles ready and enjoying the scientific nature of it all. I get to play nurse as i take out the syringe, plunge it into the vial, fill it up and try to get out all the air bubbles. Next, i swab the inside of my thigh getting ready to jab the needle in. Up to this point, i am playing out daydreams of being a nurse or a doctor or an anal-retentive junkie. But the dreams desolve once it comes to jabbing the needle into my skin. I sit there for at least a minute or two listening to my rational brain argue with my emotional brain.

"this won't hurt at all. last week it was fine. it went in and you were suprised how it didn't hurt," says the soothing voice of my rational side.

"fuck you!! that is a needle!! a sharp pointy metal thing that you are going to shove into YOURSELF!!!! what are you doing?!?!?" screeches my emotional side.

my rational side always wins; but after four weeks, i thought my emotional side would have tired and died down a bit, but no such luck. it is still kicking and screaming against it every week. guess the self-preservation within me is strong. yoda would be proud.

a note to myself a week or so ago about a guy on the el.


why do boys have to take up so much space on the el? the past two days on the train i have gotten seats next to men who sit with their legs spread open. there knees wedge into my space make me feel trapped.

what they might be doing:
-air outing their balls.
-subliminal male dominaion in terms of taking up the most space.
-would they do this to another guy?
-cheap way of a pick up? can't get a woman to touch them another way?