i am another year older today. i have hit 29. i am almost 30. that sounds so old, yet i feel so young. I really don't feel much older than 24 or 25 and most people who don't know me so well would swear i was only that old. (closer friends who remember my 24 and 25 birthday are oh, so much wiser. or just better informed.) I rejoice in the knowledge that i have much more to live, experience, explore and expose in my life. I sit back and look at all the changes that have happened in the last year, and ponder what twists and kinks my life will follow in the next 365 days. If so much can happen just a single year, trying to reach forward 5 to 10 years to expose the outlines for future is completely ridiculous and insurmountable. sometimes it is easier to linger and run your mind through the grooves of the past. a collection of these grooves from the past year: panic attacks and depression that pushed me to the brink of my being, walking away from what i thought was the love of my life, pulling myself out of the deep emotional hole filled with fear and self-doubt and finding a strength and beauty within myself that i never thought i had, reconnecting with friends and life with a deeper love of what both bring to me. discovery through a broken heart, yoga, acupuncture, exercise, chinese herbs, discussions with loved ones, and texts on buddhism. it was a hard year, but good. i wouldn't trade any of the pain, fear or hope that i encountered and i look forward to the same amount of entropy and craziness in the year to come.

memories for today: getting a barbie cake at work. it fucking rocked!! she was brunette and had a pink dress on. all the lovely birthday wishes people sent or told me. having dinner and mojitos with josh. indian food with the girls for lunch. a day filled with few spells of dizziness or panic attacks. walking home a mile in a blizzard absorbing the quiet still beauty of the city. i think that last one was the perfect birthday gift. a snowglazed walk alone through virgin snowlined streets listening to my ipod as i smile at the simple perfection of the night.