an old blog off of another blog site. it needs to be published and experience the light of day. i like it. the thing though about looking at old writting is how much things change and stay the same. since this blog, jef and i have dated, i fell in love (i don't know if he ever did), broke up and moved on. jason is still living in atlanta and as far as i know he is being his jason self. i never did make it to my step class three times a week or my abs class. now, i just do step, yoga and a little running on the side.

enjoy.


[2/28/2001 9:43:16 PM | lorene]
another day over. i'm tired. went and did step class. it always feel so good to work out. I can't believe how addicted i am becoming to it. Next week, i will start doing step class three times a week and an abs class. I'm beginning to see result too. It's nice. I spent the rest of the night cleaning up my house. It looks and smells pretty good. Tomorrow, I'm having jef over for dinner. Should be fun if we both can get over our shyness and talk some. We'll see. He is an amazing guy. Simply amazing. It nice to be excited about a boy again. If things don't progress past friends with Jef, I'm fine with that. Because of him, I realize that i am not broken. I can still feel something for guys. It's good. He's given me that and also reminds me that life is more than just drinking, socializing and bars. He brings out the younger, innocent me and it's nice to see her again.

Yesterday, I was feeling pretty tramatic and was looking for music to sooth me. Unfortantly, all my good music was in my car which is in St. Charles getting fixed. Thumbing through the erasure, smiths and countless compulation tapes, i found a mix tape of all bob dylan that jason made for me when i was sixteen. I thought, "oooo, i never really liked this. i need something mellow now. dylan is mellow. maybe i'll like it now." with that reasoning, i slipped it into my tape deck and headed to work.

The tape caught me by surprize. I really like it. Jason had mixed classic dylan with lesser know songs filled with bitting, raw wit. I kept giggling and smiling to myself on the way to the el. Other commuters must have thought i had gone insane. This tape that was over ten years old was finally connecting with me. I understand why people listen to dylan and where jason gets his raw sense of humor. I suddenly understood another facet to jason. Years later, he just gets more complex.

I thought about the jason of 16 years old versus the jason of today. We used to sit around the old big boy drinking coffee for hours and talking about everything. He was the smartest, strangest person that i knew. And he was so beautiful. He used to come up to my locker and stomp on my feet, even when i was wearing sandles – a lovely jason hello. We never kissed. We were just friends that skirted the issue of liking each other. It would have never worked.

Now, Jason looks the same, but years drinking and of not acheiving his dreams have made him bitter. His sacrastic humor no longer pokes and prods, but cuts the conversation wide opening drawing blood. His beauty made older by the nights drinking alone at bars or at home. The last time i saw him a year ago, he was perched swaying on a bar stool steadly getting louder and more obnious with each drink. Val and I dragged him out of the bar before he provoked a fight. He waved us away and stumbled down a side alley in wicker park. Val and i tried to call him back cuz he's not from here (he lives in atlanta), but he didn't listen. Jason never listened anyway. He is too stubborn. We can't win against him. Jason stumbled on singing old folk songs to himself as val and i walked home praying that he would be fine.

I miss the old jason.